Home

Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind... Romans 12:2

Courtship

by Ken Ewert

This past year my beloved and I celebrated our twentieth anniversary, and she, of course, deserves high marks for sticking with me. It seems only a few years ago that we began our courtship. Back then courtship wasn't much talked about in Christian circles, but Micki's dad was ahead of his time. Twenty years later, we are grateful for his wisdom. His management of the beginning of our relationship provided a good foundation.

Of course, it is dating and not courtship that is the norm today, even in Christian circles. In dating, two people pair off and get to know one another. In the world they often move in together, or "shack up" as Dr. Laura puts it. In Christian circles, shacking up isn't acceptable, but prior to an expressed commitment there is often emotional and physical intimacy as the couple explores their compatibility.

There are at least two things wrong with this picture. First, where's Dad? Missing in action is the Father as protector and authority. God has placed daughters under the authority of their parents, and specifically their fathers. There are a number of Scriptures that teach this. Numbers 30:5 describes the authority of the father over his daughter's vows. Elsewhere, the Bible speaks of daughters as being "given in marriage" (Ps 78:63, Luke 17:17), a principle that is recognized even in modern weddings: "Who gives this woman..."

This means, as Douglas Wilson notes in Her Hand in Marriage,1 that Dad has authority over his daughter's romantic interests, and when he investigates and judges the godliness, intelligence, compatibility and diligence of his daughter's suitor, he's not intruding, he's doing his job. Of course, biblical courtship will only work when the father has faithfully built a loving and trusting relationship with his daughter. She must be convinced that Dad has her best interests at heart.

The second thing missing in the dating picture is the covenantal nature of the relationship. The world disregards this, seeing marriage as a ceremonial option to the relationship. God's word speaks otherwise. Marriage is a covenant—a relationship founded on a solemn commitment. The covenant is akin to a strong fence of protection around a relationship of emotional and sexual intimacy. The covenant involves vows, taken before God and witnesses, which bind the husband and wife to live within this commitment, to give their love and affections to each other only. This fence, divinely ordained by our loving Father, is given to protect us. And it is this fence that makes possible a beautiful garden—a life together blossoming in covenant love.

Biblical courtship is a sort of pre-covenant covenant. As Wilson notes, in courtship the commitment comes first, and true intimate knowledge of the spouse follows. The world's way is a reversal in which intimacy comes first, followed, perhaps, by commitment.

The practical groundwork for courtship starts early. Wise parents will open up their home to young people and get to know the character of their children's friends. In these settings a godly young woman will learn, as Wilson puts it, "how to be warm, friendly, and distant." She should be able to create distance in her relationship with young men without rudeness, as she awaits her father's lead in establishing the ground rules of a relationship with a prospective suitor. If a young man asks if he may see her, the best answer is, "You'll have to talk to my father."

During the courtship the Father is carefully evaluating the young man. Does he have the necessary godliness, maturity, initiative, and commitment to take over the headship of my daughter? Does he have a track record of perseverance and a direction for his life? Does he seek to apply the Bible to all aspects of his thinking and practice? Does he live in submission to biblical authority? This evaluation is done, of course, with the input of his wife, and with much weight placed on the evaluation of his daughter. She must see this young man as someone she can respect, honour, and follow. She must also find him emotionally and physically attractive.

What about the sons? Should they be left on their own, governed only by the conditions that the girl's father may impose? A godly young man will seek and heed the wise counsel of his parents and others. There is, however, a difference between sons and daughters. In Genesis 2:24 we read, "Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh." A son is trained to leave; he is to initiate and govern a new family. A daughter is trained to respond to and be a help-meet to her new head, the one she is given to by her father. Sons leave home, daughters are given.

Before they leave home, sons must be shown what a godly marriage looks like. They must see respect, gentleness, kindness, and love in their parent's relationship. They must be trained to be leaders, protectors, providers (this includes having a realistic vocation and some assets!), and priests in their home. Sons should be taught not to initiate a relationship until they are prepared and able to follow through with it.

Also, sons need to be taught what to look for in a wife. Does she seek to know and obey God? How does she respond to her father? How does she act with other men—does she show modesty in dress and behaviour? What has she done with her time, her finances, her opportunities? Would she be a good teacher and mother to your children? And, of particular importance to our family, does she like spicy food and big guard dogs?

Footnotes:
1. Much of this article borrows from Her Hand in Marriage.

Return to Volume 9, Number 2.